James May, numpty-in-chief…

I wasn’t going to bother with May – in his own quiet way he’s just as bad as Clarkson – but criticising men for having suitcases, even laptop cases, on wheels is a bit bloody much. Of course, May hasn’t yet escaped from the 60s, when such things didn’t exist, so it’s no surprise that they’re are alien to him. But let’s not lose sight of the fact that this southern jessie once appeared in Top Gear “race across Europe by train” thingie, with his own wheeled suitcase. Er, pot to kettle…

Anyone who’s spent hours in an airport check-in queue knows the value of a wheeled suitcase, ditto anyone who’s ever trekked across the vast expanse of an airport or large railway station to find their flight/train. As for laptops – unless you in a position to pay a thousand pounds or two for something feather-light, these, too, are a pain. Often literally. I once toted a laptop on a 250-mile train journey, and by the end I was ready to chuck it out of the window. It’s fine on the train, but changing trains – 3 times on that journey – it’s a pain in the butt. The return leg saw me stranded at Birmingham New Street, on a hideous subterranean slum of a platform, for 3 hours . I would have happily tossed it under a train – had there been any. If my laptop bag had had had wheels, the whole experience would have been so much better.

As for wheeled suitcases, when travelling by train the only really sensible thing to do is leave it at home, as British trains, with carriages that hold a couple of hundred people, have space for about a dozen cases! This is a totally absurd state of affairs. Mind you. if you have the misfortune to travel on one of Virgin’s Pendolino trains, you’ll find that, suitcase or not, anyone weighing more than 9 stone will need to be greased, and to enlist the services of a couple ot Tokyo’s finest train stuffers, to get through the insanely narrow doors – juggling a suitcase at the same time is not for the faint-hearted, and you will need an osteopath afterwards.

And May – get a haircut, sunshine…

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If anyone reading this – like a friend of mine – actually believes this is really about James May, then I would refer you to this subsequent post.