And I have no real idea why.
There is, though, something very weird going on in my life right now, way beyond even the normal vagaries of the usual suspects (ME/CFS, COPD, OA, aortic valve calcification and heart failure are the biggies). At the risk of being accused of melodrama, even waking up in the mornings has come as a surprise the past few days –I am, quite seriously, not expecting to. Not that I’d know if I didn’t, of course!
Last Monday I was extremely ill, and profoundly, almost suicidally, depressed – no, that’s not hyperbole. So bad that I was forced to cancel a cardiology appointment I’d waited 8 months for (still waiting for a new appointment, which they’ve promised to send ASAP, after I pointed out I might not have another 8 months).
Yet, on the Tuesday, I felt better than I had in years (as explained in previous posts, I’m pretty sure I was flying on adrenaline that day – in a good way – as the subsequent crash seems to confirm).
Fast forward to yesterday, and bugger me, there was a repeat performance of last Monday, the main difference being the depression that had been building over the weekend. I’m not really prone to sustained depression. Normally, it just rolls in from nowhere, drags me down into the darkness, and is gone again in a few hours. Not so Sunday and yesterday, which were as bad as anything I’ve experienced.
Yet today, once again, I feel reasonably OK. Not as good as last Tuesday, which also seems to confirm the adrenaline theory, and still a bit down, but it’s survivable.** Yesterday, had it set in long-term, probably wasn’t, when added to all the other shit that bedevils my life (yep – I’m feeling sorry for myself – sue me…).
**Or so I thought – went to the door to get mail, about 8 paces each way, came back, keeled over. Luckily I was sitting down, but still, a bit bloody extreme!
And depression, which I thought was on the wane, seems to be settling in, which hasn’t happened for a long time, and I really don’t need it right now, not least because I doubt my ability to deal with it. I can’t take SSRIs, they make me cough so violently my lungs bleed, and tricyclics just shut my brain down, which isn’t acceptable, as it’s one of the few bits of me that still works properly (I take Amitryptilline at night, so that it does shut down my brain – helps with pain, and also the nightmares my pain generates, as my subconscious strives to ascribe a reason to it).
The net result of all this fuck-uppery is that, on top of everything else, I’m angry.** I know why – just heartily sick of popping tablets, 28 today already and it’s not even midday (at the time of writing) – not to mention my inhalers.
**Also thanks to the Tory conference, aka Fuckwits Incorporated, though I’m trying to avoid it – I don’t need the stress – it’s proving impossible…
Had to go back on my heart meds too. I accept that they may well be keeping me alive, but they just screw me up in other ways while they’re doing it, mainly a horrible, blistered rash on my legs, which was beginning to fade. The best I can hope for is to take the things until I stabilise, stop them until the inevitable decline sets in, and then start them again – which is a universe away from ideal. I had been hoping for something better from the cardiologist. You know, something that would benefit my heart while not fucking me up in even more creative ways.
On the plus side, I’m now sleeping properly again after months with little or no sleep – so, logically, I should be feeling better, not bloody worse!
I’m also taking Co-codamol AND Dihydrocodeine, together, plus Naproxen, and I’m still in dreadful pain – surely this can’t just be because I walked around Edale a week ago today, yet it seems to be, as it’s all I’ve done out of the ordinary.
On a lighter topic, my freezer is now a meat-free zone, just veggie food left – watch this space.
NB – FUBAR, an acronym from the Vietnam War (or Korean, sources vary) – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. It has a companion, SNAFU – Situation Normal – All Fucked Up.