At 05.00 this morning, after a sleepless 3 nights but otherwise feeling OK, I had a nice, ripe, nectarine. It didn’t bounce back, or go straight through me, and I relaxed and slept for a whole 2 hours. Woke up with a 15-pint hangover. Happens every time I sleep lately, which is a serious disincentive.
At times like that – I can deal with pain if I must, but not extreme, unending, nausea, it has me totally unmanned – just one thought goes round in my brain like a demented lab-rat in a maze.
I want to die.
Not a suicide threat, nor am I looking for sympathy, but it would be sooo good just not to wake up one morning if this is all there is – and I’m seeing no evidence of anything else.
And I agree, I really should be in hospital.
At the moment I’ve reached an accommodation with sleepless nights – I read, and sleep when I can in the day. If I thought hospital could improve on that, I wouldn’t hesitate.
However, 2 years ago, after around 100 hours totally deprived of sleep or even meaningful rest, Arrowe Park managed to tip me most of the way into a breakdown. They also, through staggering incompetence, damned near killed me. See this post and the subsequent couple.
I won’t willingly give them another chance at me.
There’s also the problem that I would need my powerchair in there, and I can’t see how I can do that (they don’t have room in an ambulance**). Thing is, my bathroom is 90 seconds away – in APH it’s way too far without wheels and, anyway, sometimes 90 seconds is too long (don’t even think about bedpans!).
**And if I made my own way there I wouldn’t get the same level of attention as I would if delivered by ambulance. My manual chair isn’t an option – I’m way too weak.
I know, in theory, there should be someone available to wheel me – or anyone else – to the bathroom; in practice it doesn’t happen. Not in time, anyway.
And last, but by no means least, last time in APH every day was an unending battle to get drugs that had been prescribed, to take my own meds without interference (as long as they know exactly what you’re taking, and when, that’s a legal right), and to fend off unwanted anti-DVT injections every couple of hours (again, my legal right), as I was at no more risk of DVT there than I am here.
I simply don’t have the reserves to deal with level of shit right now and, rightly or wrongly, I feel very strongly that if I wind up in hospital it will not end well.